2024 - Revealing, Alchemizing, and Healing

Did I live my purpose? Did I love well?

It is said that these are two of the most common contemplations for those nearing the end of their lives.

Today marks one year since Keith told me he wanted to divorce, ending a 20-year family which included my daughter, who he had adopted. For most of 2024, the terror gripped me. I was in a free-fall, reeling, raging mad, betrayed, and depressed. It seemed un-survivable, and to be completely honest, I almost didn't.

My brother and SIL protected me in those early days. A sister-friend welcomed me into her home for a time as I was able to be of service to her, wherein I could also distract myself from the devastation I was resisting. She planted the hiking seed within me and I joined a hiking group and found solace through daily walks in nature. I attempted to stay local and pick up the pieces of my life, but it seemed they were too numerous and mostly elusive and it really seemed impossible. Sometimes, I was irritated with myself for not DOING something. I’d never experienced this level of despair and I was angry for feeling pitiful which would revert to being angry to him and the cycle of rumination would begin all over again. His decision came about with no indication that divorce was even a consideration. Texts earlier in the day had concluded with I love you’s. It was incomprehensible that this had happened. But I abhor victimhood mentality, and impatience coupled with sadness resulted in a sort of paralysis that was debilitating.

Eventually, I came to understand that grieving is its own individualized thing. Highly subjective and unique. I initially thought the pain was entirely sourced from him leaving me, but in hindsight, what had happened was a lifetime of suppressed grief had been resurrected from shadows and come to the surface and I was unable to avoid it, let alone contain it. The grief of childhood abuse, neglect, both fueled with family alcoholism which groomed me for partners who were alcoholics. There was betrayal and abandonment by both my parents and life partners, the loss of babies, my sister, and friends. Most recently, I round that I had lost my own identity, of which I had shelved years before, under an unhealthy belief that his plans were wiser than mine and therefore were priority.

The timely gift of an extended stay at the ranch near Fredricksburg saved me. Spans of days passed where I didn’t eat or bathe, let alone talk with another human or have an interest in technology. Texts and calls were ignored and there was no sense of obligation to respond. All the while, my rational mind knew the logical means that would help me get through it, but my body and mind would not comply.

Watching wildlife and laying prone staring at the sky through the canopies of a thousand live oak trees went on for weeks. The setting sun carried with it buckets of tears. Hours would pass and I would not have moved an inch.

Finally, I resurrected resources that were part of the early months of my remembering - this awakening that was happening for me. I chose to believe it again in spite of what I had endured. The teachers, psychologists, mentors with whom I studied on the heels of a third cancer diagnosis did not let me down. A new clarity wanted to emerge. The words I knew by memory revealed new meanings to me now as I could understand them in a broader width and depth. The embodiment was happening.

Eventually, I made myself get back on the yoga mat. Moving my body, stretching and releasing tension felt good. Then I began to walk the driveway - one mile exactly to the road. Then this became a ritual every day. Through the summer, I gazed at the sun as it descended beyond the west horizon every evening. Sunrise was equally as mesmerizing and foggy mornings carried the sweet aroma of the desert brush and flowers, reminding me that the earth is alive and it will go on long after I am gone. Someone said "a 100 years from now strangers will be living in your home and 200 years from now, no one will even be speaking of you". It might be a sad truth, but somehow freeing at the same time.

At some point, I had an inclination to visit state parks and hiked every couple days somewhere. I visited local caverns as well and discovered a new connection with Mother Earth hundreds of feet below the surface in a humongous and magical space documented as a meeting place for indigenous tribes going back hundreds of years. I visited Enchanted Rock frequently and spent many hours under the sun and moon there, as well.

The discovery of a group of Dr. Dispenza geniuses who met weekly for walking meditations within an hour’s drive was a pivotal point, in hindsight. Those mornings proved to be catalyzing and being with these like-hearted friends elevated me beyond measure. The feeling of depression lifted, and feeling some relief allowed a sense of hopefulness to return.

After months of feeling abandoned and rejected – by him and then by my own accord, there were tears of relief when a thread of light illuminated again. I trekked those hills at least once a week over those months and gazed across the 15-mile span from the ranch to the Rock’s summit at every opportunity. It is so quiet up there in isolation from everyone. Only the periodic buzz of an airplane disrupts that kind of solitude. You cannot escape from your own thoughts in a place like that. They will rise. They must be heard. I held space to mourn, soothe, release, intend, to forgive, and love almost constantly. And then it happened, I finally surrendered. I did a trust-fall into the etheric hands of God Source Divine. The allowance for all to come into clarity, to be felt with reverence, rawness, and even compassion. I found forgiveness, contentment, and self-love. I remembered who I am. That I Am.

I am not any label assigned to me by others or myself.

This loving omnipresent and omnipotent God who is revered and praised as the ultimate wisdom of all creation - i.e. all that this encompasses - thought enough of my potential that I was created. My real value is not in my status, name, job, accolades, appearance, house, or in how much I perform for those who have expectations of me. Each of these categories were carefully considered and even nuances were explored as to discern “why” I had placed any importance on the topic. I was in my own personal soul-school and if I wasn't reading about it, I was listening to audiobooks, interviews, and discussions among physicists, doctors, PhDs, and Gurus. Non-stop. The realizations that came through revealed a fragile crystalline-like matrix of an identity structure that was based on false conceptions and notions. And once it was seen, it had to be disintegrated. I had experienced a complete dissolution of my perceived reality. The structure collapsed instantly and that is why it felt so debilitating. My inability to see the truth of what had transpired was the cause of the suffering I was experiencing. The time lapse between the collapse and my body's ability to cope with it was this era of despair, also known as a dark night of the soul in some circles. Energy is quantum and instant, but the body is of substance and matter and it can take a span of time to fully process and embody changes or traumas.

I remained at the ranch in their AirBnB for a few months. During this time, aligned connections with beautiful people have unfolded - easily. Meditation, yoga, and hiking are as mandatory as breath itself, and they continue to be gratifying. Each day was a clean slate. There was no plan beyond the practices I was committed to doing. Like walking off a cliff, I trusted in faith that the next best thing would appear and I'd land effortlessly in a place of support or enjoyment. And it did. I planned nothing, yet people and places showed up unexpectedly and it brought me such a thrill each time. Celebrating these moments seemed to encourage more to appear out of thin air.

One recent day while hiking at Horseshoe Bay, I was deeply moved by the beauty of the view. It moved me to tears. And they were tears of joy! Tears of love for this magnificent planet that holds me, and in fact, is within every cell of my body: a gift from Creator God. The body and the breath of life within it. The miracle of life. To be in love with life again felt so, so good.

I doubled down on meditating. I enlisted mentors who inspired me and who also called me out on my own b.s. around limiting beliefs and self-deception. Most of which spawned from subconscious programs that had been obscured since childhood. The daily thoughts, patterns, and this outdated program running on a loop in the background had to be completely dismantled. Expectations and attachments have been released. And I am at peace with that now. Surrendering to this Higher Intelligence and trusting with pure faith that the Promise is real and true was the challenge. But I am convinced now. Miracles have happened to me that are logically unexplainable. There have been interventions and undeniable serendipities too amazing to dismiss. The deeper I went, expansion and awareness swelled.

Grace united me with a special healing soul of deep compassion and graciousness. This home of today is peaceful & safe and our conversations are rich and meaningful. To be in the space of one who is living through their Light is the most exquisite place to be, in my humble opinion.

I had (reluctantly) begun meditation in 2019, but as it became easier, it was with an intense intention to exist in this very state of being, I had imagined/anticipated that it would occur with my soul mate – my husband - on the new place we were building and we would have amazing events, healings, and sister-gatherings like we had hosted at our last home. God received my intentions, of this I do not doubt. My desire to love and be loved, to heal and help others heal, and exist among nature’s peace is coming to fruition. I can sense it and I am eager for each step in the unfoldment. In Divine timing… not mine.

Looking back, I would have persevered, living what I thought was a satisfying, normal married life, albeit aware of the undercurrent of unaligned values when it came to things like family/social connections and health & spiritual practices. I’d become adept at negotiating the differences and settled into a rhythm of life that was fine. I was okay with being a team player and letting him have center stage and supporting his goals. Garnering attention had never been my MO and putting myself out there at the risk of being chastised was not ever going to happen otherwise. We had been a good team for two decades. But clarity is getting stronger. I see now that playing small is no longer an option as the pull towards soul-fulfillment is palpably strong.

Yes, it is a work in progress, but I’m committed. To what? To being the person that I was put here to be –God’s plan, my soul mission, true purpose, whatever it is called and whatever it takes.

At the end of this life, I will answer these two questions with a smile on my face.