Grief and Retribution

Have you ever had a random recollection of a heartbreak or disappointment from the past pop in and experienced a tinge of guilt or shame from the sheer memory of it? It could be a stabbing pain behind the eye, a hitch in the hip joint, nausea in your belly, or any other physically visceral sensation. Sometimes, it is the very same feeling of devastation that is still raw and real even when the incident occurred years ago. If we were the one who levied the heaviest hand in that event, most of us will carry remorse over our poor decisions. Because when the stakes our high, ie our heart, that's when we have the greatest temptation to really show our @$$.

The end of a 20-yr relationship with a man who was/is a soul partner catapulted me into a realm that I did not previously know even existed. And no, I did not expect him to end our marriage, especially at that moment, on that day, as we had been dreaming of the times to come and memories to be made in our newly built homestead merely days beforehand. One afternoon, he blurted out he wanted 'out' in a moment that was fueled by total exhaustion. I was blindsided and completely devastated.

The stress of constructing a very unique, off-grid, and remote home took longer than anticipated and the expenses that accompanied the project soared. The final deadline loomed and if the project was not completed in time, we stood to lose it all. It had been a strain, and he insisted on shouldering the project from the beginning. It was his dream to create this paradise and I put myself in any role of whatever was needed on a given day to achieve the goal. I closed the RAH Wellness office location Spring 2023 so I would be completely available for any and all tasks associated with our business and the house project.

Sometimes, I would sense a cavernous divide expanding between us, and I would reach out with genuine concerns. His body was neglected, he was not sleeping, nor eating well. With his strong goal-oriented personality, he was committed to staying the course - no matter what. His response was static: he just had a lot on his mind and once the place was finished, everything would be better. Within only hours of the bomb-drop he had cheerfully patted me on the shoulder after our walk together - thanking me for hanging in there with him and hugging me warmly. All this while, still professing his love & devotion and acknowledging that he was aware that he was running on fumes and it had been difficult, but he saw the light at the end of the tunnel. So I loved him wholly, and did whatever I could to support him and get to the goal.

So when he called me out of the blue and abruptly announced he wanted out, I could not rationalize any explanation. The literal breakdown of the matrix of my world in my physical mind, heart, & body was both visceral and torturous. I collapsed. I felt as though I was dying... for weeks. This grief morphed into a feeling of abandonment, then betrayal, and then a fury grew within and there were times when I really, truly wanted revenge.

In the months that followed, these emotions that paralyzed me lessened somewhat. Mentally, reflecting upon other tragic events from prior chapters of my life, I could discern that this was what I term a node-point that presented itself for the betterment of my self-realization. In reviewing those times where abandonment, betrayal, and heartbreak had happened, I could identify a cycle. The reactions I carried out in my younger years were mean, even dangerous, and my retribution reached levels of demolition and isolation which further detoured me from the least resistant path of self realization. One evening, I eventually came to a clarity that my soul-mate, the love of my life, had catapulted me out of a limiting-self-perception existence. Why? So that I may soar towards my highest potential and joy-filled life.

When we are comfortable and complacent we won't challenge ourselves. Most of us only consider making a change when it has become too uncomfortable to keep the status quo.

I went into my own retreat this past week. The environment was nature and it held me safely. This respite was the gift of precious solitude and time to turn my focus inward, among vulnerable depths of my heart & psyche. One of my mentor/sisters joined me one evening and quickly, our conversations went very deep. I wanted to exhume the seed point - the precise source - deep in my being that sparked the random and senseless desire for retribution. To be clear, I wholly believe the ending of this relationship was a blessing; no confusion there. But there were still days where my body and mind would slide back in time, reflect on the wrongdoing, slip into self-pity mode, and before I knew it blame & anger were surging thru my veins and I was angry, tearful, and devastated all over again. Being a healer and a teacher, I have a toolbox that help circumvent a complete derailment. Full admission - I was using every one of them, most every day.

In my desire to be completely free of debilitating pain and rage, it was necessary to also be completely transparent about these emotions. I carefully articulated my perception of an obvious duality of what the painful visceral feelings “are” versus my intellectual training and knowledge of the best route to process and proceed to heal. In other words, I have the wisdom of how best to respond to trauma - yet the emotions that boiled up from inside my body were beyond my ability to properly process them. They reeked of victimhood and blame stemming from a lifetime of experiences of betrayal and abandonment.

Under the compassionate guidance of my wise friend and my devotion to speaking from a place of alignment with my truest essence, I shared what I was seeing and feeling, stretching my awareness into the spaces between the innermost cells of my flesh and bone. As my focus moved to my abdomen, the feeling of fear started to intensify. It seemed like I was dangling over a high cliff, hanging on to a tree root and death would occur if I released my grip on the stronghold. She continued to skillfully guide me through the nuances of my words as I continued speaking of what I observed and felt.

Intellectually, I really wanted to take the high-road knowing I can consciously choose beneficial actions, especially given the fact that I really did comprehend truth in what had transpired through this soul connection. Even though I know the right thing to do is forgive, move on, and embrace this new life path, my ego mind identity of pride sought vengeful retribution. Within that space was bottled-up rage that begged for release. Hours passed. She and I were both in a light trance, receiving our respective intuitive messages. Eventually, a new clarity began to filter into the situation. The murky cloud of victimization was lifting. Then, I could identify the energetic in my field that had been reluctant, and even resistant, to give up the fight to retaliate. It swelled, intensified, and it was abrasive and uncomfortable like a sandstorm. It wanted vindication; it wanted him to feel my pain and for him to suffer in deep regret. After all, he shattered my world. This was not my fault. It's not fair!

Finally, from these shadows, Pride emerged and denial collapsed.

Anger /ăng′gər/ noun: emotional punishment for someone else's behavior

This is an aspect of our ego-mind identity, which is absolutely necessary to keep us safe. It helps us to remember to eat and put gas in the car and not walk into traffic. The ego-mind draws from information in past experiences with the sole purpose to protect us. In doing so it runs a subconscious program that steers us through our days via various thoughts, emotions, and feelings. So if we are on auto-pilot most of the time, we are not operating in an awakened state. Also, ego is comfortable in the familiar, no matter how dysfunctional or self-sabotaging its guidance may be. Generally speaking, when we feel like something is ‘in our craw’ it is a good indication we are on the brink of an expansive discovery moment, if we will give ourselves grace to explore it.

So, as we worked together, a seed point became evident. In my minds' eye, I observed a large assembly of people who carry similar injuries and the righteous desire for retribution. I was shown the self-destructive crippling weight of revenge and retaliation that was actually prohibiting them from healing and expanding into the next iteration of their divine potential. A heavy sadness washed over me and I could observe their hardship and felt the stagnation that dampened their spirits' expression. Yet, they had all chosen to carry this within themselves. And here I realized, oh my gosh, I was just like them! A brief vision revealed it was passed on through generations. It was a belief that was critical to ensure survival. Pride was a badge of honor; it represented their legacy and demanded righteous justice. All of which is an illusion, in truth.

Then another epiphany - a timeline shift was mirrored through a current story with another family member who is behaving in a similar way towards me in which she is seeking retribution for her perceived suffering. Her retaliatory words and actions are playing out in my periphery and it is obvious that she intends to hurt me. This is a relationship that I have healed; I am detached and no longer suffer from her actions. I was able to relate this to the reality that my husband is similarly not suffering from the anger I've directed towards him. No matter how much I fumed or conspired, he is not feeling any of what I have been directing at him. The only person who was suffering was me.

As the observer in a detached stance, it was easy to comprehend the pattern of self-limitation through the expanded view of the “all” collective. I viscerally felt how they were prohibiting the glory of the elevation of self-realization as we clung to a behavior that supported this victimhood mentality. I suddenly felt great urgency to convince them all to release themselves from their own prison of a polarized duality consciousness.

Judgement does not co-exist in a Unity consciousness.

It was then that my friend, Clarity, entered. Yes! As I do for me, it does so within the collective of humanity. Still in a light trance, loving tears flowed and suddenly I thought, we have to do this for humanity. Forgiveness was the answer. Then there was a realization that there was no other choice but to let pride go and be free from it forevermore. Dizziness and a slight wave of nausea blew through me and immediately an effervescent sensation filled every inch of my body. Alchemical transmutation at its best!

Liberation! I was free of the crippling feeling and the niggling mental chatter that had been tempting me to act and speak in a destructive retaliatory way.

The physical world looks and feels better today. I have freed myself from an outdated paradigm/program that had been held in my lineage for eons. As I make this entry today, even in the recall of the unpleasant story that had previously dredged up grief and anger, I am quite aware that have conveyed this story absent of grief, pain, anger, and vengeful thoughts.

Shadow work, or inner-child work can look like this, but it is not exactly the same for everyone. What seems to be a common thread, however, is that we must sit with ourselves long enough to be real with ourselves. To feel safe to be completely vulnerable and honest. We must convince our body that we will not abandon the process in frustration or fear because of our genuine desire to have a moment of transformation. It is my deepest wish for humanity that you all have someone who supports you in your transparency and brokenness so you, too, can face your wounds.

And if you don’t, please know I am here.

I see you. I feel you. I welcome you and accept you in your truth.

I love you!