The Re-Membering

“Janice, when are you coming back online? Will you be holding group sessions again? Are you in a new location? Are you doing energy work, healing, and counseling?”

About a year ago, intuition led me to make the decision to close the office and put my full attention on our business partnership and the construction of our off-grid homestead. I am grateful for all of my clientele and friends & acquaintances who have asked me one of those questions recently, and I can finally provide an honest answer of “soon”. But until a short time ago, the honest answer was that I just didn’t know if I would be back again.

After 28 years in the real estate industry and three bouts of cancer, I was led to push the limits of my Type-A, analytical mind personality and test the waters of frequency, energy healing, and quantum concepts. It wasn't long before I was fully immersed in it. In 2017, I quickly aligned with the teachings of several masters and teachers; their concepts being similar to one another stemming from multiple angles that comprise us as humans. I had a newfound clarity and sense of purpose. Evidence of the expansion of my being became visible in my physical world as my body healed and the manifestations that ensued were indisputable proof of my ability to create my reality. My body was finally healthy, business was thriving, and all of my relationships were fantastic.

What most people would call miracles were literally a daily occurrence at our home. These were most often the fun synchronicities and serendipities that happened daily, even several times a day. The feeling of living what someone might call a charmed life was exhilarating. There were miracles of magnified proportions, as well. Some are quite hard to believe. To be honest when I re-tell them, sometimes I am still baffled as much as the next person. But I knew what was happening. I also realized it need not be glorified as a miracle; it is just how we are supposed to live in this world. We attract to us how we view the world around us. We were a great team and the life we had created together was evidence of that.

But the point of this letter is to be fully transparent with you.

Over those years, many major elements in my life changed. My circle of friends and colleagues re-ordered and things like how I enjoyed my evenings, where to travel, foods to eat, and daily priorities became different than they had been. Even family members retracted from my life as our values & interests were not similar anymore and the true dynamics of these relationships came to light. Some of my closest friends exited, while several new ones gravitated towards me. Even with the sadness of losing touch with some people, life was really good. Real estate was not my passion anymore and I started working in frequency modalities and energy healing. Eventually, I was in full gratitude for having found a love-based purpose, a passion for authenticity, and meaningful connections with my soul mate and community of like-hearted people.

To truncate what is a very long series of events - as of January, the newly built home is now for sale and my marriage is over. These past five months have been a blur with no delineation from one week to the next. He went dark and I did, too. I would never occupy our newly built home and only with the generosity of friends have I had places to stay. We sold all of our belongings after the sale of our prior home – a 5x7 storage unit holds all that I own today. Financial sustenance came from the business we own - of which I will be ejected shortly.

Heartbreak, betrayal, fear, rage, devastation, bewilderment, and depression, on a repeat cycle, were the prevailing emotions. As the days passed, the will to fight dwindled. I considered giving up and giving in.

The knowledge I held from my training of how to traverse such moments was still intact. This was a program that I knew well and teaching to everyone who wanted to learn came naturally to me, but I was unable to get a foothold to be able to focus and do the work myself. As I journaled, glimpses of clarity peeked through, and for a brief moment I felt relief, or hope, or rationale. But before long, I’d be ruminating over the entire scenario again and my human ego identity would pile on more of the blame, shame, justification (i.e. a victimhood script) and the cycle of fear, heartbreak, and depression would cycle through yet again.

As a daily meditator and channeler, connecting with Spirit seemed futile most of the time and the waves of depression crippled me on more days than I care to recall. Even through wails and tears, I would set myself on the yoga mat or sit in the chair, committed to my spiritual practices. I walked in nature every day (and still do). I shared my deepest feelings with only my wisest friends & mentors. I started journaling and never stopped.

When you are the teacher, what do you do? I went back to the basics: self-love 101.

At last, in just these past few days, I sense life returning to this body. Where I could not fathom a face-to-face interaction with others, I now look forward to being with friends. Beauty is evident to me once again. And a desire to create and set intentions for the future is evidence of the darkness lifting.

During a hike in the woods with a mentor-friend, I said “In hindsight, I can see that the most unpleasant, uncomfortable experiences have resulted in the most growth in my self-awareness over my lifetime. It seems like the degree of evolution is equidistant from the point of dissolution.” We commiserated that people will always face challenges in life because that is what makes us stronger, wiser, or a better citizen in our community. All of which are necessary for the evolution of humanity. But whether those challenges are minor or tragic, the processing is still the same.

But today, I see more clearly than ever that it is within each thought, word, and action that we evoke is where the actual nugget of wisdom is held and complete healing occurs. From being engulfed in the pain, sitting with the fear, and looking rage in the eye, and surrendering to all, it is changing me: I literally sense visceral changes in the cells of my body. The revealing of "the nugget" is the catalyst for alchemizing these experiences into the wholeness of the truth of who I Am.

May I never be referenced with the phrase “those who can’t do, teach”. There are good teachers and mentors everywhere. Rest assured, we all go through events that turn our world upside down. If any teacher or guru claims to never have such experiences, I would be leery of their claims of expertise.

Memorization is not Knowing. A Belief is not Knowing. Teachings are not Knowings. Embodiment is Knowing.

There is so much newfound awareness of wisdom & abilities of which I was not previously aware. This process should not be circumvented, abbreviated, or bypassed. Grief takes as long as it takes. The body holds all of our memories at a cellular and subatomic level. In order to hold more light, these wounds (densities) transform & can be transmuted and there is often symptoms that arise to the surface that require attention. 

To re-member is to call back all of the fragments of the light that comprise the wholeness of our spirit.

At present, I am still in the re-membering phase of who I am now.  Each day, I am rising a little more from the depth of despair; some days it is obvious and on others I'm just holding on, trying not to backslide.  Before I resume client appointments, I want to be in an elevated energetic state with authentic emotional balance while embodying the harmony of the ebb and flow of life. 

When the time and place are made known to me, I will return to the work that is my passion:  To be in service to others who are walking the path to authenticity is my biggest joy. 

Be well, everyone. I love you.